Confidence
by Tcalo
Summary: ."...I hate him, I really hate him cause he is all what I can’t stand and still I can’t live without him..."


Disclaimer: I do not own any HP character. I am just writing for fun and not profit.

**_Cause you are so confidence: _**

There he is, as usual, looking at me through narrows eyes, pale face and greasy hair. I hate him, I really hate him cause he is all what I can't stand and still I can't life without him. I guess I hate him cause of his way to see the life. He doesn't seem to care about anything; it's just as if nothing bother him at all. I hope I could be like him. I hope I could care less about everything and live more. I stopped being free cause I was too afraid of being myself. I was too scared of everybody else as if they were more worth it than I am. And he was the one who makes me felt worse. He got nothing, no friends, no family, no fame, no even money, no even beauty but he looked so dam fine nevertheless. He didn't look happy but it was clear to me that he got everything he needed, confidence in himself, something that I couldn't and still can't master not even for a second.

I don't even know how I came up with that plan; I guess it was something that grew up inside of me slowly and painfully. I used to be such an optimist person, a person that never saw the glass half empty but half full. But that was the old me, that was me before _that_ day….

I started to bother him just for the sacked of it. Just to see if his confidence would break after all the humiliations I made him go through. I though it was a good idea, I was sure I could break his confidence and made him miserable, as miserable as I was, as I am. But I fail. Everytime my friends and I humiliated him, he just looked at us and snorted or cursed us but he didn't seem to really care. He didn't look affected. He stood up and went on with his life. And I had to see him over and over getting out from my miserable life. I really hated him for that. For that and for his stupid deep black eyes, eyes that told me everything and gave me nothing, eyes that went so deep inside of me that I couldn't deny I was locked in them.

My friends though I was just going through a stage. You know we were teenager so they though it was normal. But I was sure it wasn't just a teenager stage. I was locked in him. He had locked me as nobody else had done it before. And I knew he hated me as much as I hated him. But while he hated me cause I had given him thousand of reasons to, I hated him cause I couldn't and can't have him, cause I couldn't and can't understand him, cause I couldn't even befriend him, not to mention I couldn't and still can't control this crazy feeling that overwhelm me every time he looks at me with loath. I think I was in love with him, I though I was lost and that's what brought me to my plan.

My plan was simple, I just wanted to scare him, to put him at the edge of death, I never though about killing him or anything, I just wanted him to feel really scared. To feel what it feels like when death is about to take you. I hoped that that would have made him miserable. I hoped that would have brought him to me. Yes, it was kind of twisted but he had made me go so insane that I did what I had to. I never though James was going to save him. I though he was going to survive for himself, or die or even better to become a werewolf as myself.

I tricked Sirius to tell him. Sirius was so easy to convince. I guess he was too sure about himself to realize that I wasn't being honest. That I was manipulating him. And he did as I told. As he had done in uncountable occasions when I tricked him into make Severus' life a living hell. So easily enough he sent Severus to me. And I was happy. Happy when I saw real fear in his eyes, when I saw that he was about to die, that his life was on my hands. But he didn't die instead James saved him and I became more miserable than ever. I had done such a horrible thing that I couldn't stand myself. He survived but I didn't. I became a monster and made him to become one.

Years later when I asked him why he had become a DeathEater, he just said thanks to you Lupin. I realized the day you almost killed me that either I kill or I would be killed.

And that's my curse, it's not being a werewolf what's really killing me, it's being at the mercy of the man I can't understand what makes me miserable. He is handling me my potion, the potion he makes for me every month and while I drink it, his deep black eyes fix me. I know he knows it was me, and I just wonder why he hasn't done anything to me…. (yet)


End file.
